Survival of the fittest
by Mara-Amber
Summary: During a life-threatening contest the men of the Kenshin-gumi (and others) reveal their real faces. A response to the RKFF parody challenge *COMPLETE*


Standard disclaimers: Watsuki and some big-name companies have the privilege to own Ruroken.  
  
Note:  
My response to the monthly writing challenge for May on http://sekihara.dreamhost.com/rkreaders/.  
This is a parody, beware of 'some' OOCness.   
I'm not a native speaker, mayor grammar and vocabulary mistakes might be ahead. Hopefully you are not distracted by them.  
  
Special thanks to Hana Himura and Firuze Khanume for pre-reading, telling me this is funny and encouraging me to post it.  
The fish is inspired by Gypsy-chan's 'Mission of love 2', you'll find it on her home-page.  
  
According to xemacs the story itself has 927 words =^^=.  
  
  
written on May 18th 2002 by Mara  
  
  
'Survival of the fittest'   
  
  
  
With anticipation Kenshin had awaited this day, it was the day he wanted to prove Kaoru his love.  
  
He observed excitedly how the yard of the Kamiya-dojo filled with people and for the hundredth  
time these days he checked the sign at the entrance:  
  
'EATING CONTEST:  
EAT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN FROM KAMIYA'S COOKING  
FIRST PRICE: A KISS FROM KAORU KAMIYA  
(small prints: survival of the fittest)'  
  
Attentively watching his rivals Kenshin took his place at the table.  
  
Right-handed was Sano, a fish-bone between his teeth, he should be no problem.   
  
Left-handed was Aoshi, the cold fish might be a serious competitor. Beside him was Misao with watery eyes  
"Why are you doing this, Aoshi?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"You are risking your life here!"  
  
Silence.   
  
Misao's tearful eyes panicked.  
"For nothing!"  
  
"I need to prove I'm the strongest."  
  
Kenshin turned his attention on the last participant: Enishi.   
The self-confident smirk in his face and the open way he responded his stare proved him that he  
was the most serious rival in the competition. Why he looked so self-confident? A thought crossed  
his mind: Enishi had lived from half-rotten human flesh and had survived Kaoru's meals on the island.   
For sure the human corpses had been healthier than Kaoru's cooking, and for a moment he panicked.   
Could it be that he really had to eat what Kaoru served?  
  
"AAAAAA" The gathered crowed exclaimed and Kenshin watched Kaoru stepping into the yard.   
She was as breathtaking as ever, her unrivaled elegance, her unique grace, her... undeniable modesty.  
Kenshin couldn't divert his eyes from her.  
  
Directly behind her the judge followed: Saitou. Kenshin's intestines began to squirm.  
  
As Kaoru approached the table the fish saw its last chance to escape, it raised on his fins and crawled away.   
Kenshin noticed Kaoru's dilemma with discomfort.  
"Nobody told me that I'll have to KILL the food first."  
  
"Is this a problem for you?" Saitou wanted to know grinning wide.  
  
"Please, please" the fish begged "kill me, but don't cook me."  
  
Determined Kaoru grabbed her bokken and slammed it down on the fish.  
  
It breathed it's last words "What a shame... being prepared by the Kamiya girl. What a pathetic ending."   
It was dead.  
  
Saitou smirked at Kaoru's pale face "Was this your first time?"  
  
Unsure Kaoru nodded.  
  
"You'll get used to it." Saitou took his place on the side of the table taking out a cigarette and lightening it.  
  
"NO SMOKING!" Kaoru, Kenshin, Aoshi, Sano, Misao and Enishi yelled unison, taking out their  
weapons, beating Saitou near oblivion.  
  
Saitou waved a white flag "Give up."  
  
"YEAH!" The crowed in the yard cheered up and clapped their hands "GO! GO KENSHIN-GUMI! GO!"  
  
The rice-bowls exchanged glances and whispered "NOW." Legs grew on their bottoms, they stood  
up and fled the yard as fast as they could.  
  
Kaoru divided a second, already prepared, fish into four pieces and placed them in front of the participants.  
  
"mmmm, it is for free!" Hastily Sano bolted down the fish, "mmm, with wasabi!" and was elbowed by Kenshin. [1]  
  
"This isn't wasabi." Sano's face turned green and he passed out, falling on his back.  
  
"Everything Aoshi-sama eats has to pass ME first." Misao exclaimed reaching for the stinking fish, tasting a mouthful   
and getting red in the face. Aoshi reached for the tea Kaoru had prepared.  
  
"NO!" Misao interfered, ripping the tea-cup out of his hands swallowing the black content.   
Her eyelids flattered and she passed out.  
  
"MISAO!" Frantically Aoshi turned to her "A doctor! We need a doctor!"  
  
In a puff of fog Megumi appeared  
"Ken-san!" feared she hurried over to the red-head "Dear Ken-san! Someone called for a doctor! Are you hurt?"  
  
He pointed to the unconscious Misao and the panicking Aoshi who jumped up and ran around in circles.  
"Misao! I killed her! Help! I killed Misao!"  
  
"Your patients are over there."   
Kenshin had to concentrate to win the competition and eyed his last rival: Enishi.   
Why was he still looking healthy? He himself was trained as he was used to Kaoru's cooking.  
Narrowing his eyes he realised the dead birds, cats and dogs around Enishi and instantly the scales fell from his eyes!  
  
"He is cheating!"  
  
Immediately he had Saitou's attention "Serious accusation, Battousai. Where is your body of evidence?"  
  
"There is evidence enough, look at the dead animals around him. He has fed them with Kaoru's meals!"  
  
The fan-girls in the yard took out their fans yelling and dancing  
"KEN...SHIN! GO! GO KEN....SHIN GO!"  
  
Saitou proclaimed his decision "Battousai is the winner! Your first price: a kiss from the tanuki. ARGH."   
disgusted he turned and left the yard. "I really don't want to witness this."  
  
Kaoru leaned forward, closed her eyes to give Kenshin the kiss, a moment he had waited two years for to come.   
Anticipating he offered her his cheek only to find himself pushed aside.  
  
"SMACK"  
  
The kiss landed on ENISHI'S MOUTH!  
  
A maniacal laughter was heard, coming from Enishi's throat: "Tomoe's revenge is complete."  
  
"Kenshin?"  
Someone called him?  
  
"Kenshin!"  
Kaoru was calling him?  
  
"KENSHIN!"  
Kaoru was standing beside him?  
  
"Oro?"  
He was lying on his futon, Kaoru was kneeling in front of him, eyes watery. It had been a nightmare?  
  
"Kenshin, I prepared breakfast. Why aren't you coming?"  
  
Kenshin's mind went blank: Kaoru preparing breakfast?  
"ORO!"  
  
The first tear rolled down her cheek  
"You don't like my cooking."  
  
He had to react quickly, otherwise Kaoru would be upset for the whole day   
"Of course I like your cooking, I only overslept."  
  
Kaoru's tears stopped and a happy smile crossed her features as she stood up and hurried to the eating place.  
  
As Kenshin appeared, Kaoru handed him a bowl filled with rice, a fish lying on top of it.   
  
He remembered his nightmare and a shudder run down his back: there were green sparkles on the fish!   
Chocking he ran to the backyard.  
  
The last thing he heard was Kaoru's tearful voice  
"He doesn't love me! Even Enishi ate my meals."   
  
"ORO!"  
  
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Author's notes:  
[1]  
Wasabi is a green horse-radish-paste.  
  
There is a difference between 'the strongest' and 'the fittest' =^^= 


End file.
